Asked mom for $500 via Western Union. Got beat-up letter signed “Doc Brown.” Unrelated: anyone need a slightly used DeLorean? 500 bucks OBO.
There’s no way that last pigeon wasn’t aiming.
Today’s fortune: It could be better, but it’s good enough. I mean, if “good” is your thing, you vapid cow.
I thought I was going blind, but it turned out my glasses were just dirty.
Listing “Pin Juggling” as a core competency doesn’t tend to get you interviews. Unless you’re applying to juggling school, in which case the line you might consider leaving out is, “Honors Thesis: Habermas and Communicative Action: reifying the consumer in a social-evolutionary context.” Except, I suppose, if your intended subconcentration is Juggling Theory. In this case, mention Derrida. Jugglers fucking love Derrida.
No matter how much Drakkar Noir he’s steeped in, no matter how many buttons he leaves unbuttoned to expose a preternaturally hairless chest, no matter how many former frat buddies he’s with or how many times he affects an accent to drawl darlin’ at the server, calling the guy a douchebag is still, as it turns out, implicitly misogynist. Of course, this doesn’t change the fact that he actually is a douchebag.
Suggesting that the black candidate is secretly a radical Islamist intent on destroying America based on his funny-sounding name is sound deductive reasoning. Suggesting that the white candidate is a hot-tempered, war-mongering leprechaun while you’re snorting coke off a hooker’s bottom is stereotyping.
100 years in Iraq doesn’t sound so unreasonable until you realize it’s like waiting for the Cubs to win a World Series. But then maybe this is a rebranding opportunity: We’re not in a quagmire; we’re just lovable losers.
Correction: In a previous post, the phrase “unless you count mashed potatoes and processed meat in an all-persavive tang of A-1 steaksauce satisfying” should have read “unless you find nausea satisfying.”
I can also report, for other Loaded-Steakhouse-Burger consumers: eventually your bowel movements return to normal.
Your disregard for an intoxicated third party’s perspective during an argument between yourself and a friend may be incorrectly perceived as arrogant. Explicitly stating that you have no time for such perspectives actually is arrogant.
